Erling Braut Haaland is inevitable

Ollie Irish

10th, March 2021

This is the tweet ^. And I did not sleep well having read it yesterday evening – the thought of an army of failed, misshapen Erling Haalands buried under a desert is most unsettling.

There’s this sizzler too, which is also devastatingly accurate:

Everyone wants an angle on Haaland now. He is becoming super famous, you can tell, making the gradual transition from mere sporting fame to the bigger kind. Kids will want Haaland’s name on the back of their replica kit, rather than Messi, Ronaldo or even Neymar. Every other Haaland-based tweet is a mock-up of him wearing a different club kit. Come home, Erling!

Currently, Haaland has fewer than 650k Twitter followers. He’ll hit a million before you know it, even though he never says anything interesting. For example:

“Next round, here we come!” Erling probably doesn’t know, or care, which round he’s qualified for. There’s another weakling for him to smash until he gets to lift the trophy – he is European football’s Thanos, basically.

I get the feeling silverware doesn’t do it for him, and perhaps this is because his club is not good enough to do so on a regular basis. He’s all about scoring goals, goals and more goals. That’s all he cares about. And he is good at it. Ridiculously good. He’s like a human cheat code.

You see the daylight between him and Harry Kane. Ten matches! That’s insane. And it’s not like he’s playing for a dominant team. For the record, Cristiano Ronaldo took 56 games to reach 20 goals in the Champions League. For Lionel Messi, it was 40.

This is not natural. Haaland is 20 years old, remember. It might be almost a decade before he reaches his peak. Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

So, yes, there is something deeply, uncomfortably monstrous about him. We do not love him, we are in awe of him. That’s what makes Haaland different. What could be more fascinating?

Posted in Borussia Dortmund

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