erling haaland is wonderful at football but there is something so deeply, uncomfortably monstrous about him. i just feel like the US army were involved in him somehow. there's a bunker full of misshapen erling haalands buried under a desert somewhere, heading each other to death
— xX jOeL gOlBy Xx (@joelgolby) March 9, 2021
This is the tweet ^. And I did not sleep well having read it yesterday evening – the thought of an army of failed, misshapen Erling Haalands buried under a desert is most unsettling.
There’s this sizzler too, which is also devastatingly accurate:
Haaland has exactly the same vibe as the thousands of Scandi teenage boys i've met on my travels, the ones who lean into your ear and bellow 'the girls in here are fucking crazy man!'
— Clive Martin (@thugclive) February 20, 2021
Everyone wants an angle on Haaland now. He is becoming super famous, you can tell, making the gradual transition from mere sporting fame to the bigger kind. Kids will want Haaland’s name on the back of their replica kit, rather than Messi, Ronaldo or even Neymar. Every other Haaland-based tweet is a mock-up of him wearing a different club kit. Come home, Erling!
Currently, Haaland has fewer than 650k Twitter followers. He’ll hit a million before you know it, even though he never says anything interesting. For example:
— Erling Haaland (@ErlingHaaland) March 9, 2021
“Next round, here we come!” Erling probably doesn’t know, or care, which round he’s qualified for. There’s another weakling for him to smash until he gets to lift the trophy – he is European football’s Thanos, basically.
I get the feeling silverware doesn’t do it for him, and perhaps this is because his club is not good enough to do so on a regular basis. He’s all about scoring goals, goals and more goals. That’s all he cares about. And he is good at it. Ridiculously good. He’s like a human cheat code.
20 – Borussia Dortmund’s Erling Haaland has now scored 20 goals in 14 UEFA Champions League appearances; the quickest a player has ever reached 20 goals in the competition, and in 10 fewer appearances than the previous record holder (Harry Kane, 24). Astonishing. pic.twitter.com/jaUCwVmIks
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 9, 2021
You see the daylight between him and Harry Kane. Ten matches! That’s insane. And it’s not like he’s playing for a dominant team. For the record, Cristiano Ronaldo took 56 games to reach 20 goals in the Champions League. For Lionel Messi, it was 40.
This is not natural. Haaland is 20 years old, remember. It might be almost a decade before he reaches his peak. Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
So, yes, there is something deeply, uncomfortably monstrous about him. We do not love him, we are in awe of him. That’s what makes Haaland different. What could be more fascinating?