By Chris Wright
We all know that if there’s one thing Yanks (and Canucks) excel at, it’s saddling their sports teams with wonderfully overblown names. So, with a nod to @NikPostinger for planting the seed in the first place by bringing the Lafayette Swamp Cats to our attention this morning, here is a comprehensive run-down of Pies’ favouritest American footsoccer team names.
Most are from the Premier Development League and the United Soccer Leagues (one may even be a girls’ U15 side as far as we can tell!) and a fair few have been defunct for years.
Thunder Bay Chill
Chill, I got this…
Syracuse Salty Dogs
A former club of Ian Woan, no less…
Lafayette Swamp Cats
Feel the magic, hear the roar, Swamp Cats are loose…
Springfield Demize
Surely calling your club “demise” isn’t the best place to start…
Long Island Rough Riders
Nothing says rough and gnarled like a neckerchief…
Caribous of Colorado
Proud exponents of the finest football kit ever worn…
Hartford Bicentennials
Robin Williams approves…
Des Moines Menace
Mr Wilson!!!
Vermont Voltage
Danger, danger…
Hampton Roads Piranhas
Sounds like your friendly, neighbourhood piranha store…
Houston Dutch Lions
Presumably “Dutch Ovens” was already taken…
Southwest Florida Adrenaline
So exciting…
South California Seahorses
No marine animal strikes fear into the heart like the mighty seahorse…
New Orleans Shell Shockers
Who appeared to nick their crest off the Cub Scouts…
Central Florida Kraze Krush
Sounds like a fruit juice from the 1990s that was banned for driving kids wappy…
Cape Cod Crusaders
Let’s all go on a cod crusade…
Boston Minutemen
It only takes a minute, girl…
Kalamazoo Outrage
This guy immediately springs to mind…
Virginia Beach Submariners
*Insert tawdry “subs bench” pun here*….
Spokane Spiders
Particularly good in eight-legged cup ties…
Carolina Dynamo
Admittedly, the name’s not particularly noteworthy but we can’t help feeling we’ve seen this crest before…
West Texas Sockers
Sockers? Geddit?
North Sound Seawolves
Is a “seawolf” anything like an “Airwolf”?
Florida Manatee Magic
The manatee: famously nature’s most magical animal…
Kansas City Brass
A trumpet parping out flaming footballs. That is all…
San Francisco Bay Seals
Signed, sealed, delivered…
St Louis Steamers
Shortly before the franchise relocated to Cleveland…
Puget Sound Bigfoot
The boot room must be enormous…
Jacksonville Tea Men
Hands down our favourite club crest of all time…
Silicon Valley Ambassadors
Damn, we wish we had a badge for these guys.
Roanoke River Dawgs
And the same goes for these guys.
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BONUS: As remarked by Bob in the comments, we can’t quite believe we missed out the Pennsylvania Stoners!
Playing in their famous 4-20 formation.