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Who ate all the pies

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Transfers & Rumours

Transfer Rumours: Football is awash with gossip, hogwash, tittle tattle and rumours and we’ll dutifully round them all up here for you and assess them in our own wry, irreverent way.

Well done Jamo – Portsmouth’s 0-0 draw at Aston Villa this afternoon (a deadly dull match) takes you up to 142 clean sheets, a new Premiership record. You got there in the end. Talking of clean sheets…

_42832615_celticceleb203i.jpgCongrats to Celtic, who wrapped up the SPL title today, but come on, there are teams in League One that could run Celtic closer than Rangers and co. The SPL is a joke league right now.

Everton manager David Moyes is suing Wayne Rooney over comments made in the Manchester United star’s autobiography. Moyes issued a writ at the High Court claiming Rooney’s book – My Story So Far -had “injured his professional and personal reputation” and caused him distress. The action relates to Rooney’s account of his transfer from Goodison […]

SpecialOne.jpgThe most lovable man in football, Chelsea chief exec Peter Kenyon, has revealed the club will NOT sack boss Jose Mourinho this summer. Kenyon told Chelsea TV: ‘Jose’s got a contract until 2010 and we’re not going to sack him. He’s got the full support of the board, that’s really important… We’ve been linked with something like 14 managers now I think, but we’ve not got a list and we’re not looking.’

img_david_dein.jpgI suppose this is, like, big news to some people – like Arsenal fans and other Premiership vice-chairmen. To me, it has about as much to do with football as… erm… something that has not very much to do with football. Cricket, for example. In other words, I could hardly care less that Dein has stormed off in a huff.

Noel.JPGIf you thought Fat Frank and co had it tough as their luxury coach was hit by a brick last night, spare a thought for Linfield captain Noel Bailie.

jacqui_oatley.jpgAs reported in The Sun, this Saturday commentator Jacqui Oatley will take the mic for Fulham v Blackburn in the Premiership. In doing so, Oatley will become the first woman to commentate on a Saturday fixture for MotD. About time too.

garylineker.jpgA machine could soon be deciding the Premiership’s most exciting moments for you instead of Gary Lineker and his Band of Merrymen. Researchers at BT have developed an algorithm which picks out the most interesting bits of a match.

_42816007_platini203.jpgAgainst the odds, the odd couple of Poland and Ukraine (trips off the tongue, doesn’t it?) have been chosen by Uefa to host the European Championships in 2012. It will be the first time that either nation has ever hosted a major football championship.

A fitness coach at Uruguayan outfit Penarol has been sacked after administering players with a drug more commonly associated with racehorses. Players at the club tested positive for creatine. “It’s bad, there’s no explaining it,” said team doctor Alfredo Rienzi, who coincidentally has his own website [Via FourFourTwo, Rob Parker]

David Beckham’s tattooist has nicknamed him ‘big balls’ for being a macho macho man during a six-hour tattoo session. Celeb inker Louis Malloy was stunned when Becks calmly watched football throughout a session under the needle. Malloy said: ‘He doesn’t even wince — he just watched football as I did the elbow to the wrist, […]

On the back of our Player of the Season vote, the shortlist for the official PFA Player of the Year award has just been announced. Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba head the list, naturally, with a supporting cast of Wayne Rooney, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Steven Gerrard and… wait for it… you’re gonna love this… […]

Real Madrid, stick that in your overpriced pipe and smoke it! Master Ronaldo loves playing with John O’Shea, Kieron Richardson and Darren Fletcher so much that he has decided to snub your billion-dollar advances and sign a new, improved five-year contract that will keep him at Old Trafford until 2012. ‘I am delighted,’ said CR. […]

Watford are reported to still have 1,500 unsold tickets for Saturday’s semi-final against Man Utd at Villa Park, whilst Blackburn and Chelsea, who meet at Old Trafford on Sunday at 4pm, have both failed to sell 8,000 tickets of their allocations. The FA has come in for criticism for its choice of venue, but, as […]

Seems Becks can’t kick his tat habit. He recently showed off a new forearm tattoo, apparently in tribute to Wentworth Miller’s character on Prison Break, fugitive Michael Scofield. The intricate design on his right arm includes his shirt number 23, and connects to the angel and clouds he already had on his arm. [Via Just […]

The Guardian, amongst others, reports that wee Michael Owen – how England & Newcastle have missed his goals – will take part in a Newcastle reserves match today against a junior team from Hartlepool United. Owen is expected to play at least 45 minutes but it’s extremely doubtful that he will play for anything like […]

FIFA president and football’s adoptive father, Sepp Blatter, has announced that he would like to destroy the Premiership. In his latest bizarre outburst, Blatter also takes a swipe at Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger. He told French sports newspaper Attrapé Hors Jeu: “The Premiership is the cancer on modern football. Too much money, too much […]

The FA Cup is a special competition that means many things to many people. One of the few things it does not mean to anyone at present is staring at Andy Townsend’s misshapen nose and waiting for the next advert break. That could all be about to change though. ITV are apparently close to securing […]

The entire Czech Republic squad has been stung with a £25,000 fine after Tomas Rosicky and five team-mates spent the night in a Prague hotel with six prostitutes, following the team’s 2-1 home defeat to Germany in the Euro 08 qualifiers. All very rock ‘n’ roll, but you have to wonder what was going through […]

As some of Europe’s top teams prepare to work through their mammoth fixture pile-ups, the top bods at Uefa have decided more matches is the way forward. They plan to make their all-consuming Champions League monster even flabbier by offering places to some of Europe’s domestic cup winners. One or more Champions League places would […]

Disaster strikes! Frank Lampard is out of the Andorra game after breaking his wrist during a training session – the country owes a debt of gratitude to Wayne Rooney, whose shot struck Lamps. What we need now is for Gerrard and Hargreaves to play a blinder in central midfield and for Steve McClaren to wake […]

Zinedine Zidane to un-retire himself? [Soccer Fiesta]Dimitar Berbatov to stay at Spurs next season. Yay! [Soccer Fiesta]Luke Young called up to England squad. [Addick’s Prem Diary]Rafa Benitez not going to Real Madrid, says his agent. [BBC]Dean Ashton out for rest of season. Like, duh. [F365]Oliver Kahn says sorry to doctor for doping outburst [SI]

Fergie blasted Sky Sports’ reporter Geoff Shreeves after Man Utd’s 1-0 win against Boro in the FA Cup on Monday night. The Man Yoo boss reportedly called poor Geoff a ‘f***ing bastard’ and told him to ‘f**k off’ after the reporter questioned Cristiano Ronaldo over the incident that earned United the match-winning penalty. Upon learning […]

The Premier League plans to use goalline technology to settle disputes over whether balls have crossed the line from the 2008-09 season. England’s top 20 clubs are expected to have their system of goalline sensors, a version of the HawkEye technology already used in tennis and cricket, in place by then at a cost per […]