By Ollie Irish
Here’s my perfect Everton five-aside team. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
TIM HOWARD – They’ve got Timmy Tourettes in their nets, fuck off fuck off fuck off.
JOHN HEITINGA – All-action, muscular defender with the ball skills to venture forward too. You shall not pass.
MIKEL ARTETA – Class in a glass. He’d create goals, he’d score goals, and never a hair out of place. Marvellous. How does he do it!?
DINIYAR BILYALETDINOV – Often overlooked by Moyes in eleven-aside, apple-cheeked Billy gets in my team because he’s got great ball control and a wicked shot. Which in five-aside plays very well. And I feel a bit sorry for him, cause a) he’s on the bench a lot, and b) he looks a bit like Danny Dyer.
STEVEN PIENAAR – Up front I’ve gone with perhaps a surprise choice, in the form of Steven ‘Stevie P’ Pienaar. Why? He’s very quick, very skilful and very composed in front of goal. And, unlike Louis Saha, he’s made of real flesh and bones.
There, job done. Can you do better?
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