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Who ate all the pies

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I used to think Ashley was such a nice boy when he was making his way at Arsenal – the sort of polite young man you could take to meet your parents. Then, something happened to him. He went over to the Dark Side, for what reason I don’t know exactly. It all started with […]

If tomorrow’s Arsenal v Man Utd clash offers one tenth of the entertainment of this amazing FA Cup match, I’ll be a happy man. I still don’t think I’ve seen a more pulsating game in this country. Two teams – and bitter, bitter rivals, as they were, and still are – at the very top […]

Props to the chaps on The Guardian’s Football Weekly podcast, who mentioned in their latest pod that Juande Ramos is a ‘dead ringer’ for Father Damien Karras from the movie The Exorcist. He bloody well is!

June 1974 West Germany captain Franz Beckenbauer shakes hands with East German counterpart Bernd Bransch before the start of their World Cup first round match on 22 June 1974 in Hamburg. East Germany went on to win the match 1-0, thereby wiping the smug grin of the Kaiser’s face. Photo Allsport UK/Allsport

The sports minister, Gerry Sutcliffe, has branded John Terry’s salary ‘obscene’. Sutcliffe also attacked Chelski’s general attitude to cash. He said: ‘Good luck to John Terry but I think it is obscene to be on £150,000 a week,’ said Sutcliffe. ‘People in the street cannot understand salaries like that. Chelsea are £250m in the red […]

This week we’ve been taking a look at the finest imports from some of the greatest foreign football nations represented in our multi-cultural league.

According to reporst in Holland, Sven’s Man Citeh have agreed a near £14m deal to sign Brazilian goal machine Alfonso Alves from Dutch side, Heerenveen.

We think it was the late great Bobby Moore who said, “Lose and we’re on the booze, score and we want some more”.

Phil & Ray may not be the best around, but they are certainly the maddest pair of football commentators I’ve ever heard. We’ve featured the lunatic ramblings of Ray before on Pies, but I think his booth buddy Phil is fast catching him up in the ‘talking nonsense’ stakes, as you can hear on this […]

June 1978 Mario Kempes goes nuts after scoring during the 1978 World Cup Final between Argentina and Holland, held on June 25, 1978 at the River Plate Stadium, in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Argentina won 3-1 after extra-time. Photo Getty Images

Tottenham’s new assistant manager could provide the missing link between the human race and parallel universe reigned by apes – or we could just be making a monkey out of him.

Juande Ramos’s first game in charge at the Lane ended with a fairly comfortable win, thanks to goals by in-form Robbie Keane and Pascal Chimbonda, although Blackpool gave the hosts a good game and should have equalised from close range through Gary Taylor-Fletcher. After the game, Ramos made the noises all Spurs fans want to […]

Nabil El Zhar (who hell he?) gave Liverpool the lead with a splendid net-burster from 25 yards out. Darren Purse equalised for Cardiff, but within less than a minute Liverpool retook the lead through Stevie G.

No cutting edge from the Blades last night (groan). Sean Bean’s lads were powerless to stop Arsenal’s young’uns.

When was the last time Steven Gerrard scored a hat-trick? Exactly. Three goals by Captain Lamps and one from Andriy Shevchenko (a fine finish too) were enough – just – to see off a spirited Leicester side in what was a cracking, see-saw match. Chelsea did look shit at the back though, although they are […]

Liverpool’s favourite son answers Everton’s terrace jibes about his suposed love of the ‘high-life’ by getting all Scarface on the sidelines

Mark Milligan heads the ball during a Sydney FC training session at Macquarie University Sporting Fields on November 1, 2007 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Brendon Thorne/Getty Images)

They might be scary looking or just scary because of the way they play the game. Either way, here’s my Top 50 Scariest Players, perfectly timed to coincide with Halloween… Tommy Smith Liverpool’s hardest hard man had that ability to make opposing players shit themselves just with one mean-ass stare. You could be bigger and […]

With the Premier League resembling a United Nations summit, we’ve been taking a look at some of the best represented countries and asked you to vote for their best player to ply their trade over here.

It’s an iconic picture that proves ‘Vinnie Jones was always a hard nut to crack’ – let us know if you can come up with your own caption for this classic

74138739.jpgThe man revered as ‘God’ returns to his spiritual home tonight as Robbie Fowler comes back to Anfield in a Cardiff shirt to play in tonight’s Carling Cup match.

The Teaser is one day late, but here at last – I was struck down with man flu yesterday but feeling a bit better today. Most of you should know the drill by now… guess the footballer from the picture clues: EASY MEDIUM HARD Answers after the click…

Max ‘call me Mr Flexible’ Kruse of Werder Bremen gets all tantric during the DFB Cup second round match between Werder Bremen and St. Pauli at the Weser Stadium on October 30, 2007. Photo Friedemann Vogel/Bongarts/Getty Images

As requested, here’s Roo’s wonder goal that announced him to the world. He was just a few days shy of his 17th birthday at the time – scary. I didn’t think Clive Tyldesley’s voice could go any higher, but it goes off the scale here, like some parodic, Spitting Image version of himself.

Juande Ramos started work as Spurs manager on Monday by holding a double training session. He’ll already have a decent idea of which players he wants to keep and the deadwood he wants to offload. We asked you yesterday which players he should ditch; now I’ve taken a close look at Tottenham’s first team squad […]