20 Craptastic MLS And NASL Football Mascots Of Yesteryear

Chris Wright

23rd, June 2015

9 Comments

By Chris Wright

With Partick Thistle foisting their new mascot, Kingsley the soul-reaper, on us yesterday, we decided to have a shufty at some of the other risible mascots football has been besmirched with over the years.

Indeed, we decided to focus on the land that pretty much introduced the concept of the modern day mascot, the land of the Phillie Phanatic and the Capital City Goofball: the good ol’ Yoo Ess of Ay.

Taking in MLS, NASL and a few from the North American minor leagues, here’s our pick of the worst of the worst…

Dynamo the Dragon, Kansas City Wizards (circa 1997)

Dopey the Dragon would’ve definitely been more apt…

Twizzle, Los Angeles Galaxy (circa 1997)

He’s only gone and laddered his tights…

Cozmo the Alien, LA Galaxy

Sadly, Twizzler the intergalactic turkey was soon replaced by this slightly vacant looking fish-type creature (the one on the left)…

Sparky the Soccer Dog, Chicago Fire (circa 1998)

Made entirely from an old carpet sample book…

Sammy Sounder, Seattle Sounders

A killer whale, in case you were wondering…

orca

Tac-Tik, Montreal Impact (circa 1998)

Nice shorts…

montreal-impact

Washington Dips (circa 1981)

Johan still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night to this day…

washington-diplomats-mascot-cruyff

Winger, Vancouver Whitecaps

Obviously the dim-witted runt of the duckling litter…

winger-whitecaps

Chicago Sting (1976)

Pele gets shaken down for his loose change by the world’s angriest looking bumblebee…

Sting 76 Mascot

Kingston the Lion, Orlando City (circa 2014)

Like something from Return to Oz…

orlando-city-kingston

Chivas Goat, Chivas USA

Quite the transformation…

chivas-goat

Sidekick, Tampa Bay Mutiny (circa 2000)

Begrudging point for the name, zero for the execution…

Stinger, San Antonio Scorpions

So disturbing he requires a military escort wherever he goes…

san-antonio

Just so you’re aware, they even had Stinger burst out of a giant cake at his grand unveiling…

scorpion-cake

Islamico the horse, Dallas Burn (1999)

‘MURICA! F**K YEAH!

Tampa Bay Rowdies

Yes, it’s a sock…

tampa-bay-rowdies

Surf Dude, Tacoma Tide

Totally rad…

surf-duce

Rapidman, Colorado Rapids (circa 1997)

The last thing you remember seeing before waking up naked deep in the backwoods…

Thor, Minnesota Thunder

The bastard lovechild of the Norse God of Thunder and Gordon Ramsey…

thor-minnesota

Jose Clash the scorpion, San Jose Clash (circa 1998)

Run Richard, run! Before it’s too late!

Q, San Jose Earthquakes

If this thing was the answer, it must have been an incredibly stupid question…

san-jose

Before anybody starts: Yes, we know ducks don’t have litters.

Suggested further viewing…

20 More Utterly Craptastic Football Mascots

Posted in Featured, Funnies, Mascots, MLS, Newsnow, Photos

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9 Comments

  1. jackie wilshere says:

    hahaha ive loved this site for awhile, the dry captions coupled with these pics had me cracking up over my morning coffee-
    “Twizzler the intergalactic turkey was soon replaced by this slightly vacant looking fish-type creature (the one on the left)”
    “Pele gets shaken down for his loose change by the world’s angriest looking bumblebee…”
    hahahha… A+

  2. Matthew Cox says:

    The sock had a name! Hoops McGee…but alas, he is no longer with us.

    • JP says:

      I really, really, REALLY hope you’re not lying because Hoops McGee the Sock makes me incredibly happy!

      PS Pies, I think you’re being too cruel to Dynamo the Dragon, I think it’s cute.

  3. Lonnie says:

    There was an earlier(?), even more disturbing RapidMan that many of us remember but can’t find a picture of anywhere – possibly the only thing ever successfully removed from the internet in my lifetime.

    It had some sort of cape (or maybe it was its actual back) with fish “leaping” from it, very disturbing. The thing of acid-flashbacks.

  4. Ron says:

    As an American, I’m proud to say I’ve never watched a single MLS game.

    • Lime says:

      As an footy fan in America, YOU are no real fan of the game, if you can’t support your local league. I see lots of people here in the states that think they are fans of the game, and claim with pride that they will never support the MLS all in the meantime couldn’t name 3 players on the ManU squad or what ever corporate shower of shit they support that year. Just look at whoever won the prem the year before. Guys like you are glory support at it’s worst. Most of these pretenders don’t even realize there is a league outside of the MLS and the Prem. Or are you one of those that states “I don’t support a team I only support players”

  5. EDub says:

    OK, that Washington Dips thing … what exactly is happening? Is it “spiting” out a ball? I am so confused …

  6. Ron Newman's Liver says:

    Technically, the first one is Chopper the Dragon (changed to Dynamo years later). Another reason why I rarely read past the first sentence of international articles about American soccer.

  7. Izzy says:

    “vacant looking fish-type creature (the one on the left)” – The one on the right is Ruiz, “El Pescadito” – “the little fish”

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