WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Man City’s Secret Shopping List

Ollie Irish

22nd, July 2010


By Ollie Irish

We have stolen Man City’s infamous shopping list – the one that blew Noel Gallagher’s tiny mind – from Roberto Mancini’s purse (Italian leather, hand-stitched). It’s illegal, but hey. This is what it says:

Landon Donovan – Ee will sell many shirts in the US of A, yes. Won’t get near the first team, but I won’t tell him until after he’s signed. Ha!

Mario Balotelli – Ee is mental, I love him! It’s impossible to ‘ave Mario and Craig Bellamy in the same dressing room, I think. NOTE TO SELF – Sell Bellamy to the Spurs.

James Milner – Ee’s a good player, I like very much to sign. His head though, it’s so fucking square, like Kryten off ‘Il Nano Rosso’.

Mesut Ozil – Very nice, like a nice red wine in my cellar. I think the Germans will do business. I pay £50 million, nothing less. Hard ball!

Didier Drogba – Big man, very strong, nice muscles. Like my uncle’s stallion! I sell that buffoon Adebayor first.

Kaka – Very good player, I pay £100 million, if the fascists will sell. Ha!

Wayne Rooney – Oh, this would make Ferguson so red in the face, like my momma’s cherry tomatoes! Then I put Rooney on the bench and watch as the Scotsman’s head explodes.

Lionel Messi – Is too small for the Premier League, I think, but maybe he will come? Maybe I make an offer they can’t refuse? Ha!

Dino Zoff – Ees important to have an experienced keeper. Dino is a good man, strong man, will add much quality to my boys. Young Shay Given, ee learn much from Dino.



Just For Men


Posted in Featured, Man City

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  1. Anonymous says:

    fucking mad mick united fan fuck off

  2. Andrew English says:

    This is the sort of half arsed City obsessed shit that i have come to expect. Fuck the pope

  3. Mark says:

    nice, I like the underlying tones of racism

  4. Ollie says:

    Racism?! I was waiting for one PC prick to pipe up and didn’t have to wait long. Eff off to the Guardian Comment section, Mark. Or grow a pair.

  5. dave@shepton says:

    Is that really the best that you can do. I would stick to picking potatoes if I was you. Thankfully, I am not.

  6. Ollie says:

    dave@shepton – Behave.

  7. blue says:

    funny i actually laughed at this but get over city cause its only a matter of time…..

  8. mankmanuk says:

    Very funny, I like velly much and this for me is velly impotantee….

  9. dave@shepton says:

    I was.

  10. Deckard says:

    50m is ridiculous, even in euros. Bremen aren’t gonna be stuck up bitches despite it being their most prized asset. A little give ‘n take by both sides and he’d be sold for 30m-35m tops is my bet.

  11. You suck says:

    United fan ….
    And its not funny at all ?

  12. Johnno says:

    50m is ridiculous, even in euros. We spend that on changing room towels these days, give em 70m.

  13. Meji says:

    thought it was funny lol

  14. toe says:


  15. Ollie says:

    @toe – It must be very tiring to have no sense of the difference between the truth and satire/irony/humour etc. You must be knackered all the time, no?

  16. shay says:

    Very funny even for a United fan. But could have used more ridicule in regards to the number of attackers being purchased or maybe he buys every player in the entire world. Good job though.

  17. Paul Calf says:

    Ooh aren’t we a funny cunt.

    Although this cunt sounds more like a fookin Muncheon he actually supports the yids (or so he says).

    It not like the spuds have a spent any money, oh no, not a bean.

    Tina Fey is a fuckin munter.

  18. chris says:

    I’ma city fan and think this is funny. Just shows you how bitter some people can be. Thank you for showing yourself up.

  19. Paul Calf says:

    chris says:
    July 22, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Some people thought Bernard Manning was funny, others thought he was a fat racist prick. I guess it all boils down to opinions, we all have different ones after all, but to not find something funny doesn’t make you bitter.

    Grow a set you fuckin puff.

  20. Brian says:

    Did you steal this list from his dreams Inception style?

  21. LOL says:

    Ollie’s a zenophobist pig fugga!

  22. ste says:

    you shud be sacked!slanderous shite

  23. Racist Ollie says:

    Meanwhile the funniest piece of news has been missed by you and that’s that spiv Redknapp want City to loan them Bellamy. That’s had me laughing all day.

    If that’s what you think satire is then I suggest you buy yourself a better dictionary.

  24. Big Blue Bob says:

    Thing is; being richer than every club in Spain, Italy, Germany, France & England all put together then times it by 10,000 City could buy all these without blinking. Apparently City do have Rooney on their radar, we’re just biding out time for another 12 months until Utd are so deep in the shit City will be the only club who will be able to throw them a lifeline and take Shrek off their hands.

  25. Paolo says:

    Very funny – and I’m a City fan. Some of you lot should have a sense of humour high on YOUR shopping lists.

  26. I hate man united says:

    Now the balls in the other hand city have all the money and are buying all the top named players wich Chelsea were doing a few years ago and all you hear now is man u fans complaining about city spending all this money! This is because you have no money to spend!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. Anonymous says:

    No to the over rated ballon, ballony……….

  28. blue says:

    It is very disappointing that our plans have been revealed in such details, guess we have to double their wages now as they all sign over the next week.

    (Funny article, whoever wrote it. Some of the abusive comments above are an insult and I hope none are made by a Man City fan)

  29. JB OZ says:

    Im a city fan – this was funny

    especially the bit about james milners head. haha gold.

  30. alex says:

    that picture could easily be a new chris lilley character

  31. It's Grim Oop North says:

    Not up there with the comedy greats yet, but keep at it, made me smirk mildly, which is more than most of the fucking toss served up on the footy interweb, pretending to be serious.

    How about other Manager’s shopping lists too?

    Alex Ferguson – One bedside pot. (We all know he hasn’t got one to piss in).

    Sorry I couldn’t think of any racist or homophobic slurs to sling at the tight-fisted shirt-lifter, oh wait, there it is!

    Can I write for you now? x

  32. Ginelli says:

    As a nerd, a City fan, and an Italian.. I LOL’d at the Milner comment.

    ..and making fun of an Italian accent while speaking English isn’t raciest.. it’s prejudice. Oh, and it’s also 100% true.. but what do you expect when damn near all the words in your language end in a, e, i, or o. Sometimes you have to throw on an extra “a” :)

  33. Anonymous says:

    Shit you can realy smell the jealousy from you rags.
    Soon we will be calling you “bitters”

  34. George says:

    WOW, City fans get over yourselves seriously. This year will be like the others no CL football simple, you can’t even buy a place in the CL HOW SAD!

  35. It's Grim Oop North says:

    I can’t see why we can’t buy our way into the champions League, you and Chelsea do it every year don’t you?

    Tottenham have just done it, and Liverpoop and the Arse are slipping down the ranks due to lack of investment, (and so are Manure, come to think of it). Is it so hard to believe that a team that finished fifth last season, will finish one place better this season having invested over £100 million in this transfer window?

    It’s all about the money, don’t pretend it’s not, and you have a massive debt to service in the next decade and beyond, good luck with that suckers!

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