Watching Javier Mascherano put in a man-of-the-match performance in a Liverpool shirt last night was a treat (I love Maschy, mostly because he’s so bloody good in Pro Evolution Soccer) but also made me very angry with English football.

Dear Uefa, please can you fix it for me so that Liverpool and Chelsea never play each other in Europe ever again? I don’t really want to endure any more ultra-cautious, ultra-defensive, ultra-professional football. It’s no fun.

Daniel Agger is mobbed by team-mates (l to r: Steven Gerrard, Bodo Zenden, Jon Arne Riise, Dirk Kuyt and Peter Crouch) after scoring the opening goal for Liverpool against Chelsea in last night’s Champions League semi final second leg at Anfield. Liverpool went on to win the game on penalties. [Photo: Clive Brunskill/Getty Images]

Phew, all this Liverpool v Chelsea build-up is getting a bit serious for our liking, so here’s a light-hearted moment from a Liverpool v Chelsea match, from the days before anyone had heard of Roman Abramovich. Ouch, that’s gonna sting. It makes my eyes water just watching it…

Liverpool’s U18 players celebrate beating arch rivals Man Utd on penalties to win the FA Youth Cup, held at Old Trafford yesterday. [Photo: Matthew Lewis/Getty Images]

With one leg down, we have two beautifully poised Champions League semi finals. Man Utd have the slight edge against Milan, in as much as they’re leading the tie, but Milan have two precious away goals and so a 1-0 win at the San Siro is all they need. Thing is, I can’t see Man U not scoring in Milan, so the Italians would need to score at least two goals to succeed.

A predictably defensive affair with lots of long balls, lots of falling over by Didier Drogba and the odd chant of ‘Fuck off Mourinho!’ by Liverpool fans. Liverpool were strangely muted but without an away goal I’d have to favour Chelsea to reach the final now.

Chelsea trio Sean Wright-Phillips, Carlo Cudicini and Jon-Obi Mikel muck about during training before tomorrow’s Champions League tie against Liverpool. [Photo: Getty Images]

Jerzy Dudek, Liverpool’s reserve goalkeeper, was quoted in The Sun today as saying he planned to quit Liverpool as he is pissed off being treated like ‘a slave’. The Polish keeper was reported to have said: ‘I have to finally tell Rafa I’m leaving because maybe he’s not aware of it… I will remember Liverpool fondly as a success but not the situation I’ve found myself in… When a player knows he is a slave, he’ll never give his employer his heart.’

Atletico Madrid captain Fernando Torres, reportedly a summer transfer target for Man Utd, wears an armband with ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ inscribed on the inside – the armband came loose during Atletico’s 2-0 defeat away to Real Sociedad at the weekend.

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez demonstrates his unique method of introducing himself!

Not the greatest game you’ll ever see, but then Liverpool did 95% of the work in Holland; there was no way PSV were going to overturn a 3-0 first-leg deficit. Crouchinho scored his third goal against PSV in two games to complete a thoroughly professional job. Apart from that, not much to report. You can [...]

With a Chelsea-Liverpool Champions League now confirmed, time for a spot of deja vu. Here is Luis Garcia’s goal which decided the 2005 semi-final between the two sides. All of the ball over all of the line? Hmm. [Rob Parker]

Name Abigail Clancy. Pies knows her simply as Abi, cause we’re tight like that. Nationality British WAG of… Liverpool & England beanpole Peter ‘decent feet for a big man’ Crouch. Not exactly sure if their on/off relationship is on or off right now, but no matter. Abi began dating Crouch in January 2006 after the [...]

Samuel Eto’o has given the first signal that he might be keen on a move to Liverpool. It is only a few days since we were looking at possible targets for Rafa Benitez and his £40 million warchest (© The Red Tops), and now it seems that Barcelona striker Eto’o might not mind Liverpool’s advances [...]

1 There are few sights in football as beautiful as a confident Peter Crouch doing his thing. It’s like watching an excitable baby giraffe taking its first steps. 2 Nicely bobbling ball, 25 yards out: John Arne Riise is the man you want! 3 We stuck our necks out after the last round and said [...]

The Reds looked great in yellow last night, beating PSV 3-0 away from home to virtually assure themselves a place in the Champions League semis, against either Chelsea or Valencia. As professional as Liverpool were, the Dutch side were very, very poor – on last night’s evidence you’d say they’d struggle to avoid relegation in [...]

Liverpool’s new owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks are set to make £40 million available for Rafa Benitez to go on a summer spending spree. Pies gives you the lowdown on the players linked with a move to Anfield today. 1 Daniel Alves (Sevilla) Benitez has been slobbering over the right-sided Brazilian for a long [...]

George Gillett and Tom Hicks, Liverpool’s new American owners, have agreed to provide Rafa Benitez with a Chelsea-scaring £40m to blow in the summer transfer market. That’s twice as much as Benitez has had to play with since his arrival at Anfield Since his arrival at Anfield, the most Benitez has spent in a calendar [...]

What a difference a club makes. A few months ago, Javier Mascherano couldn’t get selected for West Ham’s ailing first XI. He was rated behind the likes of Hayden Mullins and Nigel Medi-Ocre. Having watched Mascherano closely during the 2006 World Cup in Germany, this astonished me – the young Argentine was clearly one of [...]

We did feature this Classic Moment on Pies many moons ago, but it is worth seeing again as Liverpool and Arsenal meet at Anfield tomorrow. Michael Thomas bundles his way through the Reds’ defence to win the league for Arsenal in the most dramatic circumstances. “It’s up for grabs now!” [Rob Parker]

In honour of England’s man of the match… Name Alex Curran Nationality British WAG of… Liverpool captain/England saviour Steven Gerrard. The couple have two daughters and are set to marry this summer. Fame ranking 5/10 Regularly appears in the tabloids and gossip mags but hasn’t gone out of her way to court celebrity, unlike some [...]

Welcome back to the tranquil haven that is Haiku Corner. Take off your shoes and let us sit a while, to contemplate the more spiritual side of the beautiful game. This week, our Zen-like focus is on Steven Gerrard, the bestest midfielder in the whole wide world ever, who collected his MBE medal on Wednesday. [...]

Even if you don’t speak Spanish, you get a great idea of how Spanish TV saw the game. Watch out for the awesome karaoke version of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ at the beginning of the video.

1 Why is it Ballack & Shevchenko can do it against Europe’s finest, but not against the likes of Wigan and Charlton? Must be very frustrating for Chelski fans.2 It’s never a good idea to headbutt the pitch. Just ask poor Mikael Silvestre.3 Celtic have got some very talented kids who should be proud of [...]