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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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It has been a busy week in Ligue 1. Most teams have played two games, managers have jumped ship and obese Dutch journeymen have been signed. At the top of the table Nancy still lead the way despite having played a game less than most of their nearest challengers. A couple of the surprise early pacesetters have started to drop down the table but with Lyon, Lille and Marseille outside the top eight, it is still not Ligue 1 as we know it.

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Former Manchester United renegade Gabriel Heinze is the subject of this week’s Photoshop assault in the Guardian Gallery. Real Madrid’s new £6.8 million signing gets a ribbing over his pre-season antics. Pies’ particular favourite is this effort featuring Heinze Argentine Mean Beanz – currently on special offer at £6.8 million.

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The draw for the Champions League group stages took place last night and we are already salivating at the thought of all that European football. But which club’s fans ought to be sweating rather than salivating?

Click below to read our live blog of the draw:

Mobile phone company O2 has released a couple of virals mocking football and rugby. Presumably not wanting to offend too many customers, the videos paint footballers as party animals with bigger egos than brains and rugger boys as fat public school toffs who love a bit of homoerotic rough-and-tumble.

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Ole Solskjaer is hanging up his deadly boots, Wayne Rooney is out injured (although he’s reportedly recovering faster than expected), Alan Smith and Guiseppe Rossi have moved on, Louis Saha’s body can’t be trusted, Carlos Tevez is settling in…

There’s always a hint of ‘desperate boyfriend looking for a half-decent present at the 24-hour garage for his missus on Christmas Eve’ about Premier League managers at this time of the season. Panic sets in – do I have a strong enough squad to survive the season, or until January at least? Here, according to […]

So there are six (count ’em!) clubs in the group stages of this season’s Champions League: the big four in England, plus Celtic and Rangers. The English clubs can’t meet each other, because they are all amongst the top eight seeds, but there’s a very strong chance that we’ll see another so-called ‘Battle of Britain’, […]

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A girl writes a message in memory of Sevilla player Antonio Puerta on the outside of the Sanchez Pizjuan stadium on August 29, 2007 in Sevilla, Spain. Puerta, a 22-year-old Sevilla player, died on August 28 after suffering a heart attack during his team’s Liga match against Getafe in Sevilla. The message reads ‘See you soon Puerta, always in the hearts of Real Betis and especially Sevilla fans’.
Photo Denis Doyle/Getty Images

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Arsenal would probably do better to shove Flea in goal right now, given Mad Jens’s shocking start to the season – Manuel Almunia played in goal for Arsenal against Sparta Prague last night, with Jens sulking at home in Germany, supposedly injured.

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Photo Getty Images
He’s still got it! When Little Michael Owen tucked the ball under the body of Barnsely’s keeper and into the net, it was the first time he’d scored in a competitive game since December 2005, some 20 months ago. The finish was a bit scuffed, but still, Owen thrives on goals, and this is welcome news both for Newcastle and England.

So David Beckham missed out on picking up his first trophy Stateside. Instead, he picked up a potentially serious knee injury, which may jeopardise his involvement in England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers in September. Doh! says Steve McClaren and the rest of us.

Barca thumped Internazionale (who had rested several stars, including Zlatan) to win their annual Joan Gamper Trophy. Inter deserved to lose for bringing a weakened team to the Camp Nou.
With Messi, Henry, Ronaldinho and Eto’o to call on, Barca’s attack is shaping up to be, well, scarily good – and don’t forget Mexican wonderkid Gio dos Santos, who has just earned Spanish citizenship (as has Ronaldinho). Gio made mincemeat of Inter’s defence, and this could be his breakthrough season. Yaya Toure, Kolo’s little bro, also scored this belter:

Photo Getty Images Smiles all round at the Emirates, as Arsenal breezed past a distinctly average Praha side. Eduardo da Silva (seen here being shown position one of the Kama Sutra by team-mate Emmanuel Adebayor) scored for the first time this season, to add to earlier goals by Tomas Rosicky and Cesc Fabregas, and looked […]

Newcastle’s new third kit (we will skip over the issue of why a club that barely gets any wear out of its away kit would want a third kit!) is perfect for the shorter gentleman. As you can see from this photoshoot, the Argentina-esque strip can elongate even the teeny-tiniest of footballers.

Our latest Shit Lookalike comes courtesy of Pies reader Daniel Budden. He quite rightly pointed out that Arsenal’s man from Minsk, Alexander Hleb, is a dead ringer for a young Kevin Bacon, which is a coincidence because he also saved Arsene Wenger’s bacon against Fulham a couple of weeks back.
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The Old Lady of Italian football showed experience counts for everything as she bounced back from Serie B in style. Juventus opened their Serie A campaign with a 5-1 thumping of Livorno. Striker partners David Trezeguet and Vicenzo Iaquinta (pictured above) were on fire, weighing in with a hat-trick and a brace respectively. The margin of the victory sent Juve to the top of the table. Click below for highlights of the game.

Celtic progressed to the group stage of the Champions League after beating Spartak Moscow and, in some cases, each other. Goalkeeper Artur Boruc and defender Lee Naylor had to be talked out of a Kieron Dyer/Lee Bowyer-style punch-up after a minor scuffle.

West Ham’s recent signing Kieron Dyer receives physio treatment and comfort from his team-mates after suffering a double leg fracture in last night’s Carling Cup tie with Bristol Rovers. Dyer was injured in a tackle by Rovers’ Joe Jacobson, which left Hammers boss Alan Curbishley fuming. Click here to see the incident.

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Ajax are looking more dominant than in recent years after two games of the Dutch Eredivisie. They are top-of-the-table after coming from behind to beat Heerenveen 4-1 at the weekend. Ajax have not won the title for three years, but with the talented Luis Suarez in top form they seem to be favourites this season.

Following Wayne Rooney’s Put It Where You Want It virals for Nike, Germany international Torsten Frings is now aboard the bandwagon. Once again Welsh daredevils Dirty Sanchez were drafted in to help Frings demonstrate his accuracy.

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Following the tragic death of Antonio Puerta yesterday, Pies celebrates the James Deans of the football world who died too young.

74194551.jpgMeddling Michel Platini’s proposal to restore some respect to the FA Cup is to award the winners the fourth and final place in the Champions League.

75447801.jpg‘Arry Redknapp is renowned for his wheelin’ and dealin’ skills but even a master sometimes makes mistakes like, ‘buying the first one you see only before the end of sales bargains arrive.’

Robbie Savage has had this haircut since the beginning of time. It has always been dodgy. He has always been blond, but he has never been this blond. Mr Savage is now undoubtedly a candidate for our Bottle Blond XI. Shades of Pavel Nedved, but without the footballing ability.
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