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Who ate all the pies

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Real Madrid remain top of La Liga after a pulsating 4-3 victory over Real Mallorca. The champions came from being 2-3 down to win the match in exciting fashion. Robinho was at the centre of the display, bagging a brace, but it was Ruud van Nistelrooy who scored the decisive goal.

Seeing Nicolas Anelka all blinged-up to watch Bolton from the sidelines at the weekend (he was still wearing shades when the sun went down) reminded us of another ghetto-fabulous star whose mouth got him in trouble, Tupac (RIP).

Football’s least favourite bad boy, Joey Barton, is back in hot water after attempting to castrate Dickson Etuhu during the North East derby between Sunderland and Newcastle at the weekend.

Dirty Diego took his fancy footwork to the dance floor when he appeared in Italian TV show Dancing with Stars months after having extensive stomach surgery to reduce his ballooning weight.

There’s only one David Betnley – you can be sure of that. Blackburn Rovers’ kit man caused a bit of a chuckle yesterday when he got his ‘n’ and his ‘t’ mixed up in David Bentley’s name. The Rovers winger played with the incorrect spelling on the back of his shirt. The only time I […]

Local rivalries were resumed this weekend with a couple of big game derbies between clubs sharing the same cities – but with very little else in common.
With at least 12 teams in the Premier League that can claim fierce local rivals there will be more big game face offs to come this season – but which one can claim to be the the mother of all derbies?

There were some great goals scored at the weekend – Fernando Torres touch of class from the sub’s bench and Ronaldo’s finish from an exquisite Tevez pass come to mind – but we’re suckers for an overhead kick.

76772182.jpgBolton midfielder Gavin McCann favours the balding badger look these days, so much so that he only just made it into the Horror Hair category and was almost a Shit Lookalike for Pepe Le Pew! He has always had a receding hairline, but it has now receded so far that it is practically in-growing. Against Middlesbrough yesterday, McCann was shamed into covering his hair in a bandage (OK, the clash of heads might have influenced his decision slightly).

Lyon continued their march towards a seventh successive Ligue 1 title with victory over Valenciennes. Goals from Juninho and Sidney Govou gave them a 2-0 win. The champions have found their form after a shaky start and are now undefeated in 10 games. Surprise package Nancy are proving difficult to shake off and remain only four points behind with a game in hand. They kept up the pace with a 1-0 win over Bordeaux.

With so many greats wearing the shirt, the question of who it fits best is a difficult one but we’re sure you’ve got an opinion – click through to vote from our top ten players to don the shirt

Pies hero Ian Holloway has expressed concern that Manchester City midfielder Stephen Ireland could replace him as football’s number one nutcase. Ollie’s bizarre rants have endeared him to thousands of fans and led to him being adopted as Pies’ favourite manager. But he is worried that his outbursts just aren’t crazy enough to keep up with the new generation of footballers emerging with a screw loose.

Reportedly wantaway Tottenham striker Dimitar Berbatov can barely contain his indifference as he finds the net for Spurs in their 0-2 Uefa Cup win against Hapoel Tel Aviv.
Photo Getty

A Benfica YouTuber has begun clutching at straws like Celtic midfielder Scott Brown was clutching at his leg after the horrendous tackle by Augustin Binya the other evening. In defence of Binya, this compilation of “hard tackles” by Celtic players has been put together.

Peter%20Crouch%20book.jpgPeter Crouch is the latest footballer to bring out a book. Crouchinho has brought out Walking Tall (oh, I see what he did there!) just in time to cash-in on the Christmas market. Perhaps including a huge sock as a complimentary Christmas stocking would improve sales. Anyway with most of these books you have to wait until the inside pages for the unintentional comedy gold. Not so with Walking Tall. How much slap is he wearing in the cover photo? He looks like Alan Hansen’s make-up artist has been let loose on him!

Becks has made a comeback of Hollywood proportions to make it back into McClaren’s thoughts as he desperately tries to fulfill his dream of making it to a 100 England caps. But the irony is that he could come up one short.

“We always said that Crouch was all legs!”

76592176.jpgEngland’s hopes of reaching next year’s European Championships are slim and none with practically our only hope pinned on Israel to get a result against Russia on Saturday.

In the biggest game of the season so far, Serie A leaders Inter Milan shared the points with newly-promoted Juventus. Julio Cruz gave Inter a first-half lead but Mauro Camaronesi grabbed a 77th minute equaliser for Juve. The 1-1 draw meant Inter remain at the top of the table but second-place Fiorentina were able to close the gap with a 0-1 win at Lazio.

Well, is it? Barnsley manager Simon Davey thinks so, but then again he is a bit biased because it secured three points for his side deep into injury time in Saturday’s 1-0 win over Preston. Davey gushed: “It was the best I’ve ever seen. You have to hold your hand up and congratulate the keeper for that penalty save. He’s a top keeper.” Heinz Muller is stereotypically monikered German between the sticks.

Every so often the greatest footballer on earth will come out with a curveball statement straight from the Sepp Blatter school of thought.
Could God’s gift to football have come up with an ingenious way of spicing up the game or are these the mutterings of a man losing the race against age?

Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo has been told to stay off the pies by nutritionalists who fear his new found love of northern grub could affect his performances.

Since the ‘Sky fell in’ and I found that I couldn’t watch Premier League games at home as dishes (no matter how mini) are not allowed on my building, I’ve been forced to get my football fill at the pub. And, although I can’t knock the alcohol and atmosphere, there’s some things that are starting to wind me up.

It is not too often that you hear that Uefa have cited a red card for further sanctions. So when they announce they will be investigating an incident further with the possibility of increased disciplinary action, you know it must be something quite serious. That is certainly true of the tackle/assault which Benfica midfielder Augustin Binya was red-carded for against Celtic on Tuesday night.

Nike’s Put It Where You Want It bandwagon has rolled on a long way since we showed you Wayne Rooney defacing a camera with his marker pen back in July. The latest stop for TV daredevils Dirty Sanchez on the Put It Where You Want tour is paying a visit to Chelsea and France winger Florent Malouda.

Now it’s the turn of the French revolution that’s crossed the channel and entranced crowds with their Gallic flair. Click through to vote for the finest Frenchman from our premier dix – and no, it isn’t just the Arsenal first team