John Obi Mikel is sent off by referee Peter Walton after a wild, studs-up challenge on Phil Neville during the Carling Cup semi final 1st leg between Chelsea and Everton at Stamford Bridge on January 8, 2008 in London, England. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

Everton have named 16-year-old defender Jack Rodwell in their squad to face AZ Alkmaar in the Uefa Cup tonight. The former England under 16s skipper, who can also play in midfield, is tipped to become the next Rio Ferdinand (a backhanded compliment you might say). The youngster is said to be strong, quick and have excellent composure on the ball.

There were some great goals scored at the weekend – Fernando Torres touch of class from the sub’s bench and Ronaldo’s finish from an exquisite Tevez pass come to mind – but we’re suckers for an overhead kick.

As requested, here’s Roo’s wonder goal that announced him to the world. He was just a few days shy of his 17th birthday at the time – scary. I didn’t think Clive Tyldesley’s voice could go any higher, but it goes off the scale here, like some parodic, Spitting Image version of himself.

January 2003 Wayne Rooney, then aged 17, poses in front of a portrait of Everton legend Dixie Dean at Goodison Park, following the signing of his first professional contract on January 17, 2003. Photo Getty Images

A solid home win for David Moyes’s men. Tim Cahill, who lasted 65 minutes before being substituted, scored on his return from a long-term injury. It’s hard to underestimate just how much Everton have missed the combative Aussie since he last played for them in March. He’s their key player, their talisman, their heartbeat. Mikel [...]

What’s with the inflated carrier bags? I guess it’s a dig at Everton’s new stadium plans, which also include high street shops, a hotel and a giant Tesco supermarket. Anyway, I’m sure you can come up with a fine caption for this pic…

Yet another nomination from Pies reader Chringle. There’s definitely an element of shitness to this one, but I see where he’s coming from. Personally, I think Mikel Arteta looks more like a Mediterranean Michael Vaughan.

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Right Pies fans, you’ve spent all week in front of this computer and it is about time you worked off a bit of that excess. We were going to get Mr Motivator in to give you a workout but he was already booked. So we got the next best thing: David Moyes. All together now: you put your left leg in…

Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United
Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal.

Everton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.

Arsenal 5-0 Derby
Emmanuel Adebayor scored a hat-trick and Cesc Fabregas stole the show as the Gunners hit top gear.

Everton striker Andy Johnson might not be able to command a regular place in the England team, but his skills might be appreciated in the misfiring England rugby union team judging on his penalty of Chris Waddle proportions last night. Johnson, having already had a penalty saved, sent his spot-kick to row Z against Metalist Kharkiv in the Uefa Cup. The match ended 1-1.

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.

Everton piled the pressure on Spurs boss Martin Jol with a 1-3 victory at White Hart Lane. Joleon Lescott headed Everton into an early lead after losing ‘marker’ Anthony Gardner. Gardner returned the favour by exposing Lescott’s slack marking to equalise. A second goal of the season for Leon Osman and a deflected free-kick from Alan Stubbs completed the victory.

The big kick-off is nigh and we don’t have a thing to wear. Well, we do now. This is part one of a bumper Kit Parade Special from Pies.
Arsenal
This looks a little familiar… wait a cotton picking minute! Yes, Arsenal have retained last season’s home kit for a further season. It makes my job a bit harder because you have all seen it before, but I’d be delighted if I was a Gooner. Comiserations to the parents of young Arsenal fans who will have to think a bit harder about birthday presents this year! Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

With Fergie refusing Liverpool’s £6.8m bid for Gabriel Heinze and claiming United would ‘never’ sell to their bitterest rivals, we take a look at a few transfers that have taken place between clubs with a history of hatred.

Everton have been forced into an embarrassing backtrack after their website mistakenly announced that the club had signed Argentinian star Juan Roman Riquelme. The article was supposed to be test data for a new website but it was accidentally published yesterday. The ‘news’ broke at 11.30am yesterday and was online for about an hour before the error was spotted. By that time internet forums had been flooded by messages from excited Evertonians.

What has Everton boss David Moyes done to piss off West Ham Utd? Moyes has been forced to publicly rubbish claims that star striker Andrew Johnson will be tempted to Upton Park for around a £13m fee: ‘AJ was a top layer at Everton last season and he will be again next season… The West Ham consortium wouldn’t have enough money to buy Johnson or any other Everton player… and for them to think they could shows a real lack of understanding of our game.’

Having come up trumps with the Dirk Kuyt/Hercules axis of blondeness, regular Pies reader Cole continues on a lookalike tip with this sterling effort – Phil Neville (left) and Lurch (right), the butler from the Addams Family, could be father and son.

Ahead of this month’s Champions League final, Milan dynamo Rino Gattuso has taken a pop at Liverpool’s long-ball dinosaurs: ‘All Liverpool try to do is defend together, with everybody behind the ball and just one striker… All they do is play long balls — every ball is a long ball. It is very different to Manchester, who are a real footballing team.’

A few transfer bits and bobs doing the rounds today…

Tributes and flowers for the late Alan Ball, left by Everton fans outside Goodison Park. [Photo: Getty Images]

Put simply, it was a shit weekend for goals in the Premiership, so I won’t post the top five. There were just two half-decent goals scored, both of which you can watch below…