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Who ate all the pies

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Chelsea: All the latest Chelsea flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

John Terry and Frank Lampard snuggle up during an appearance at the Adidas Sports Performance Store on July 15, 2007 in Santa Monica, California. Just look how much the pair love each other. It’s scary. [Photo: Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images]

noemie_lenoir_01.jpgName Noemie Lenoir
Nationality French

Ferg%20Mourinho.JPGIt’s July 11. We are juggernauting towards the new season like Ronaldo towards a buffet. And Jose Mourinho has decided it is time to get the Mind Games 2007-08 under way. The Special One has not fulfilled his quote quota over the last couple of months, but has sprung back into life with his latest offering.

Worst foreign imports XI

July 10th, 2007

Taibi.jpgLast week we took a look back at the greatest ever foreign players to grace the Premiership, but you can be sure that for every Bergkamp there’s a Boogers who’s just as remembered…but for all the wrong reasons.

And about time too… so Chelsea have finally completed the signing of Florent Malouda from Lyon, on a four-year contract. The 27-year-old French international has moved to Stamford Bridge for an undisclosed fee. Malouda will join Chelsea in the US for their pre-season tour, which includes a match against LA Galaxy.

Some say nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. But now that another icon, Monsieur Henry, has left our league we took a moment to reflect on the finest overseas imports that have ever played in the Premiership.

Pre-seasonlampard.jpgLooks like Frank, aka Eric Cartman, has been demolishing his fair share of pies and cream cakes during his summer holidays. Jose Mourinho won’t be happy to see that his star midfielder has developed such an impressive set of man breasts, or moobs as we like to call ‘em. And he could do with a spot of lipo on that wobbly gut. Too much Christmas pudding Frank?

Oh, Frank’s not so bad – he comes across as a decent chap in this documentary, which is a couple of seasons old now. That said, he does seem to have major trouble opening doors and cans, not to mention working a fax machine – and this from the only player at Chelsea to have any GCSEs. Favourite quote: ‘I’m Skinny Frank, this is Fat Frank…’

Click below to watch the rest of the documentary…

Tevez.jpgCarlos Tevez has apparently turned down Inter Milan after the Serie A champions attempted to play hardball by imposing a deadline for him to make a decision – suggesting he could yet stay in the Premiership.

This clip actually made us laugh, although we have little clue as to what the feck is going on…

‘Lampsy, you’ve killed me!’ Elen Rives, Frank Lampard’s future wife (lucky WAG), calls up and properly embarrasses the England captain by asking him to belt out a Luther Vandross number…

430514_MEDIUMSQUARE.jpgJust when we thought that the purse strings to Roman’s rubles had been tied closed with all the endeavour of an over enthusiastic boy scout, Chelsea actually look set to spend some money.

Newcastle move for Geremi

June 27th, 2007

geremi.jpgChelsea utility man Geremi is the latest player Sam Allardyce would like to spend some of Mike Ashley’s millions on [that's on wages and signing-on fees before some smart arse points out he is available on a free transfer!] . The Cameroon international is known to be eager to find more regular first-team action than he has been getting at Stamford Bridge.

More cringey YouTube footage courtesy of the hilariously useless Chelsea TV. This time it’s a Q&A session with the Blues’ most intelligent player, Frank Lampard. Continuing the homoerotic theme of Frank’s Chelsea TV appearances, in this erm… outing Arjen Robben’s underwear gets a special mention.

74390382.jpgHappy now Jose? Uefa has named Chelsea as one of the eight seeds for next season’s Champions League. The other English CL teams – Liverpool, Man Utd and Arsenal – are also seeded; England is the only country to have all of its representatives seeded.

lgsam.JPGChelsea Phone Chargers and Fulham Fridge Floggers are pushing each other around while arguing over who loves South Korean international Lee Chun Soo the most. The West London rivals are both eager to keep their Korean sponsors happy by signing a player who could warm their bench with the efficiency of a Korean microwave warming your dinner.

melon_head_cat.gifAnother gem to add to the ever-growing pile of memorable Jose quotes:
‘Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100 per cent sure that the melon is good,’ Mourinho said recently.

WAG of the week: Toni Poole

June 15th, 2007

71915250.jpgName Toni Poole
Nationality British
WAG of… England and Chelsea captain John Terry. The couple are to marry at Blenheim Palace today. They have requested Harrods gift vouchers as wedding presents. They will then have a two week honeymoon on Roman Abramovich’s super yacht in the Mediterranean. All very classy.
Fame ranking 4/10 Keeps herself to herself, with the occasional tabloid appearance.

Chelsea away shirt 1984-85

June 11th, 2007

Chelsea-85-WhiteAway.jpgIf you are one of the (at the time of writing) 68 per cent of the Pies population who find Chelsea’s new day-glo away kit ever so slightly vomit-inducing, we might just have a solution (if you were in the market for a Chelsea away kit, that is!). The brilliant has a great range of retro football shirts, including this Chelsea away kit from the 1984-85 season, which is indoubtedly more stylish than the fluorescent monstrosity.

0%2C%2C2007260245%2C00.jpgAccording the Super Soaraway Current Bun, Chelsea’s new luminous yellow away shirt, leaked a few days before its official launch, was ‘chosen by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, who likes Barcelona’s bright orange away jerseys’.

73716265.jpgClaudio Ranieri, the new manager of Juventus and the man who brought Frank Lampard to Chelsea from West Ham, is reportedly keen on luring Lamps to Italy with a £12m bid. Juve have already armed Ranieri with a £70m war chest for new signings and he will use part of that to table a bid for the Chelsea midfielder, who has yet to sort out a new contract at the Bridge.

I couldn’t help but notice that BBC Three’s latest reality show Filthy Rich and Homeless features a guy called Ravi who is, in fact, the Asian Frank Lampard.

ChelseaDVD.jpgRoman Abramovich may have spent millions of pounds on a season of underachievement, but your average Chelsea fan can pick up a reminder of a campaign of mediocrity for just £11.99. Mr Abramovich must be wishing he had just kept his money in his wallet and waited for the DVD.

The worst kept secret in football since Jose Mourinho and Ashley Cole thought they would get a quiet cuppa together has at last being confirmed. Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell will be sidling his way to Stamford Bridge quicker than you can say Jean-Marc Bosman.